


if i kept a secret (but you found out the truth)

by deathishauntedbyhumans



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Apprentice referred to as “The Apprentice”, Canon-Typical Behavior, Canonical Character Death, Fluff and Angst, Gender Neutral Pronouns for Apprentice, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Canon, Post-Muriel’s Route, Spoilers for uhhh the whole story in general, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000, flangst, like really really unbetaed, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-23 01:22:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30047772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathishauntedbyhumans/pseuds/deathishauntedbyhumans
Summary: You know that I’m still missing memories. I’ve been thinking a lot about them… Sometimes it feels like I’m so close, and then they fall away again. I know they don’t matter, not really, but… I’d like them back, you know?The one where Julian remembers what happened during the plague, with a little help from Asra.
Relationships: Asra/Julian Devorak
Kudos: 5





	if i kept a secret (but you found out the truth)

**Author's Note:**

> Song title comes from _Secret_ by Mieka Pauley

“You’ve been quiet tonight,” Asra comments, flopping down onto the bed that Julian is already lying in. He narrowly avoids plowing an elbow into Julian’s side, but Julian doesn’t move until that elbow nudges him gently. “Ilya?”

Julian blinks and looks over at him. “Hm?”

“You’ve been quiet tonight,” Asra repeats gently. “Is everything alright?”

“Oh. Sorry… I’ve just been… thinking.”

Asra shifts until his head is lying comfortably on Julian’s chest. “Dangerous,” he comments lightly, a hint of a smile on his lips. “Care to share with the class?”

It seems like second nature for Julian to slide his fingers into Asra’s hair; it doesn’t even seem like he registers performing the action. Asra tilts his head further into Julian’s hand regardless. 

“It’s nothing, really,” Julian hedges. His voice takes on a nervous lilt, one that makes Asra’s smile fall back into a look of concern. “Just… Well. I’ve been thinking about my— And it’s nothing that you’ve done, mind, it’s just—“

“Ilya.” Asra reaches up to take Julian’s hand, pulling it lightly from his hair and pressing his lips to Julian’s palm. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”

Julian takes a deep breath. “You know that I’m still missing memories. I’ve been thinking a lot about them… Sometimes it feels like I’m so close, and then they fall away again. I know they don’t matter, not really, but… I’d like them back, you know?”

They’ve talked about this, about Julian’s missing memories, about how he and their old apprentice are both still missing some of their memories of the past. Asra has been candid in the matter: he’s told Julian about how the apprentice had reacted whenever Asra had attempted to tell them about the past. 

He doesn’t want to risk Julian reacting badly to his missing memories being returned to him. It had been frightening enough to watch the apprentice faint as their memories overwhelmed them; he can’t imagine knowingly doing the same thing to Julian. 

“I know we’ve talked about it,” Julian continues, easily reading Asra’s hesitance for what it is. “But Asra, I think… I think I’m ready to know what I’m missing. And if you can help me, even the slightest bit—“

“And what if you’re not ready?” Asra’s grip on Julian’s hand tightens at the thought. “What if I hurt you, Ilya?”

Years ago, that wouldn’t have mattered. Things are so different, now. 

He can tell that that crosses Julian’s mind, too; his hand twitches in Asra’s before he closes his fingers around Asra’s hand. 

“Then I know you’ll be here to help me,” Julian reasons. “Look, I’m already lying down, so no risk of me toppling over, right? And— And if I can’t remember, then there’s not really a risk at all.”

Asra lets out a heavy sigh and kisses Julian’s hand again, this time his lips brushing his knuckle. “I don’t know.”  _ I’m scared,  _ he doesn’t say. It hangs in the air nonetheless, an intangible reminder that he’s not as invincible as both he and Julian had once believed. 

Julian’s free hand comes up to cradle the side of Asra’s face, to tilt his head just slightly up so that he can hold Asra’s gaze. Upside-down, it’s all Asra can do not to look away. 

“Please, Asra,” Julian says softly. “I’m ready. I know I am. I can  _ feel  _ it.”

There is a long, pregnant silence, but Julian doesn’t look away, his eyes boring into Asra’s. Finally, Asra turns his face away, burying his face in Julian’s chest. 

“Okay,” he mumbles, barely comprehensible. He sighs against Julian’s shirt and then pushes himself up, so that he’s sitting beside Julian. “But you have to trust me. If anything goes wrong—“

“I trust you,” Julian interrupts. He offers Asra a small smile. “There’s no question about that.”

Once upon a time, that inherent trust might have frightened Asra away. Even now, it threatens to overwhelm him. It’s difficult to remind himself that that trust is  _ deserved,  _ now, that he has done things for Julian that negate the way he’d treated him in the past. 

“...alright.” Asra takes a deep breath. “When the plague first became a problem here in Vesuvia, I was…”  


* * *

The full story takes Asra nearly an hour to tell. He watches Julian carefully as he begins, but Julian shows no signs of reacting the way their apprentice had in the past. Instead, he listens with rapt attention as Asra recounts the beginnings of the plague in Vesuvia, the way he had fought with his apprentice about how he had wanted them to leave together. He tells Julian how the apprentice had dug in their heels, about how they had gone to apprentice for Julian instead of following Asra out of Vesuvia. He tears up a little as he gets to the most difficult part of the story, about how their apprentice had contracted the plague, about how they had worked until the very end to make sure it wouldn’t happen to anyone else. He’s nearly finished when Julian  _ gasps,  _ cutting Asra off completely. 

“Ilya?” 

Julian reaches for him, and Asra takes his hand, holding on tightly. For a moment, the worst case scenario is the only thing that Asra can see: Julian falling back against the head of the bed, his body prone and pale and— 

“I remember,” Julian whispers. With his free hand, he reaches up and clutches at his head. “Asra, this is— The apprentice, they—“

Asra squeezes Julian’s hand tightly. “Yes,” he says past the lump in his throat. “They died. And—“

“And you did something to bring them back?”

There’s no use in denying it, so Asra just nods, and Julian lets out a heavy breath. 

“I uh… I didn’t— I’m so  _ sorry,  _ Asra.”

Asra shakes his head. “No, Ilya, please don’t… I don’t blame you.” Not anymore. It’s taken him a long time to come to terms with it, but the apprentice… They had made their decisions, and Asra had made his. “You did everything in your power to keep them safe.”

“But it wasn’t enough.” Julian is shaking, Asra realises, fear gripping him. He lets go of Julian’s hand and moves towards him, pulling all of Julian into his lap. Despite his ridiculous height, Julian folds up easily when he wants to, and this is no exception. He tucks himself in against Asra, his face in against his shoulder. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Asra maintains. The lump in his throat is only getting bigger, but he doesn’t want to let it out. Not now. Not while Julian needs the reassurance only Asra can provide. “They made their decision, and I… I couldn’t live with it. But it had nothing to do with you.”

Julian doesn’t respond, but as Asra holds him, he begins to calm down again, and his body slowly stops its shaking. 

Finally, he speaks, his voice quiet. “Thank you for telling me. I can’t imagine… keeping that to yourself as long as you have. It’s in the past, and I want to look to the future with you, but if you ever need… to think about the past, you’re not alone anymore.”

Asra doesn’t respond verbally, because he knows his voice will come out as a sob if he does. So he merely holds Julian that much more tightly, letting himself bury his head against the side of Julian’s neck. 

They stay that way until Asra’s legs begin to cramp, and then they move, but only so far as to lie down on the bed together, their arms wrapped tightly around one another. 

**Author's Note:**

> There might be a sequel to this coming but there also might not be... 
> 
> This wasn’t Well Done lmao sorry abt it
> 
> I genuinely don’t remember if it was ever explicitly stated whether or not Julian got his memories back in Muriel’s route (I know he and Asra were working together to solve the circumstances of Lucio’s death but I can’t remember if that included Julian’s memory coming back), but if the damn apprentice didn’t get their memories back, then it stands to reason that Julian probably didn’t, either.
> 
> Anyways! Kudos/comments are love; come scream at me on tumblr @deathishauntedbyhumans.


End file.
